Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So squirting runs in the family.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
