At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
