Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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