A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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