I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
