It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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