brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
