I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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