its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
