I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
