I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Less talking, more tequila
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
