Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
