her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
