i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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