This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
