Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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