I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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