she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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