I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
