you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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