If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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