I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
