I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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