When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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