i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
