And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
