I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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