The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
