I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
