What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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