I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
