we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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