I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
