I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Help. Why am I so naked?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
