you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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