I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
