my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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