So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
sarcasm needs its own font
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
