Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Boobs speak an international language.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
