Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
