Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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