My room smells like vodka and shame
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
