I seem to have left my pride at pride
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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