i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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