Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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