so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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