Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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