So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
