Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
