Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
