I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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