i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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