if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
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We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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