there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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