I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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