i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
